Day 17: I Committed a Deal Breaker

I read somewhere gaining or losing more than 25 pounds is a marriage deal breaker. Well what about losing 130? If my priorities, habits, routines and  hobbies changed, then did my marriage?  I am more self-confident than I was on this day:

June 20002

I set and achieve goals.  I am determined.  I do not take no for an answer.  Would these things affect my marriage?  My answer- simply, yes.  Why wouldn't they?

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." - Helen Keller 

I think everything came to a boiling point March 2010 when Matt lost his job.  He was and is determined to be the best father, friend and husband he can be, so he decided to head back to college.  His first class was Psychology (I do not think this was a coincidence).  Having not walked into a classroom for 10+ years, this was tough.  He had to learn reading strategies, note taking, essay writing and study skills.  This in itself can be tough on an adult, let alone a father of 2 and husband to someone with a ridiculous workload. The stress in our lives at that time was unbearable.  But with the help of a counselor (insert gasp here), we came to an understanding that we should have dealt with 4 years before.

#1 I will never be 254 pound Julie- she was carrying around a lot more than weight.
#2 Matt will never be the same person he was the majority of our marriage either.
#3 Communication had to change.  Which meant we needed to listen more. Which meant I wasn't always right.  
I could probably count to 30 but you get the idea...

Matt is a different person than he was when that photo was snapped.  Education is invaluable.  It causes change, and with change comes failure and unlearning.  MLK says, "Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle."  If you haven't talked with Matt in a year or two, I encourage you to look him up.  Sure, he still loves Texas Hold' em, Golf, and his teams. But he's more outgoing, determined and focused than ever. 

Our relationship continues to grow and change through the highs and lows of our life. We take different roles on to support each other's needs at the time.  I'm thankful for the role he played at that point in my life.  He never discouraged.  He sat passively by letting me change as I needed.  I appreciate that.  I didn't expect him to run a marathon with me, but he does do smaller races with me.  We have different interests and ways of thinking that really balance us as parents and a couple.  People who get to know us as individuals are surprised when they meet Matt or his co-workers/ friends meet me  "Not at all what I expected," they say.  "Me neither," is my reply.  We are happily incompatible. 

I'll never be a curmudgeon- a grumpy adult passing the days, hating my job, annoyed by requests from my kids or my husband. Wherever you are in your life right now- unhappy, angry, unable to forgive, whatever- consider how honest you are being with yourself and others.  Relationships aren't about control, pain, turmoil, redemption or sacrifice. 

If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Now, as for his feelings about me doing an IronMan, "No way are you ever doing that! Why would I want you to kill yourself?" he says.  I'll keep working on that one, because it's on my bucket list along with Mt. Everest.

2011